There’s a lot of rhetoric available about how to become someone’s trusted advisor. It is a coveted position to be in – both in terms of how it strokes our ego as well as being a prime position from which we can grow our relationship (and our role/business) with that person. From my experience in coaching some very smart people, I’ve noticed that being smarter doesn’t particularly create the trust, credibility, or relationship you might seek with your counterpart.
Consider this scenario… Let’s pretend that you are 12 years old and you have a question burning in your mind about the opposite sex. Who would you trust to ask your question? Who would be your trusted advisor?
If it were me (or my 12 year old), it is highly unlikely that I’d seek advice from an adult expert on the topic – I would probably be too intimidated or shy to engage an adult at all. And I’m certainly not going to ask the question of some kid who’s younger than me. If you think about it, the most likely person a 12 year old is going to ask is their peer, the 13 year old, who knows just a little bit more than they do.
I think this scenario gives us some insights and a basis for understanding how adults choose their trusted advisors as well.
If we watch two people interacting with one another, over the course of their conversation, we can often perceive a difference in their relative seniority. One of the people may occur to us as more senior than the other, the other occurring to us as more junior. One comes across as the authority/boss/adult (the buyer?) and the other more as the child, servant, (the seller?). Our perceptions are based on a number of subtleties – respect, control, language, etc. In a conversation, it is possible for us to come across to our counterpart as more senior, less senior, or about the same as them – as peers. The interesting thing to observe is that when somebody engages a trusted advisor, they are typically engaging somebody with whom they have a peer level respect for, not somebody who they regard as being on a significantly higher level than themself, and not somebody who they would regard as being on a much lower level than them. If I have a question about foreign political issues, I wouldn’t call a current/former President of the USA, unless I myself am a world leader – in which case I would see them as somewhat of a peer.
Now, consider a client/vendor relationship. Often the way we set up that relationship on the front end is where we come in as less senior than our counterpart. They are the authority, we are there to serve their needs. However, if their perception of us is that we are on a much lower level than them, they would never engage us as a trusted advisor.
And equally important, if we come across as being on a much higher level than them, that can also cause an issue. This is counter intuitive… many people believe that if they can exhibit their knowledge, credibility, and how much they can contribute to the situation, that they will gain the rapport, trust and credibility that they seek. Often, that’s not so. If we come across too far ahead of the other person, there’s something about the other person’s ego that prevents them from engaging us. They get the perception that if they were to engage us as their advisor, that somehow it diminishes them and what they know. They may have a fear of a loss of control, of lack of understanding, or perhaps a fear of being found out for what they don’t know.
When a person engages us as a trusted advisor, they are typically seeking a peer level relationship with us where we bring value to the conversation… but we don’t dominate it. Being too smart can eliminate us from contention.
So what does this mean if we want to be the expert? Consider that rapport, trust and credibility are functions of time spent in a meaningful intellectual conversation with another person – not a function of how smart we are or how right our answers are. If we want to be the Trusted Advisor, there are 3 things we can do that will help us out…
When you are called upon for your expertise:
1. Be gracious. Give compliments and honor the other persons knowledge, their thinking on the topic and their input.
2. Ask good intelligent questions and let them think about them and answer them. Be really curious about their answers and ask follow on questions. Their knowledge and expertise doesn’t diminish you, and your listening opens a sort magic door allowing them to then listen to you. It is this conversation that builds trust and credibility!
3. Be humble in your delivery of your expertise. Don’t be the know it all and don’t intimidate them with how much more you may know than them. Remember – you only need to contribute in a meaningful way – not overwhelm them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, your stories and your inputs – please leave comments on the blog post or the video post, and please click “LIKE” if you liked the post. Thank you!
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